Earlier today, I went to Narvaez meat market on Zapata hwy to buy tostadas for dinner tonight. As I walked through the rows looking for the tostadas, I saw a familiar face. I don't really remember his last name, but he had a novela-ass name but I'll just call him Juan. I used to attend J.C. Martin elementary with him and I hadn't had seen him since those days, which he had gone to Christen middle, and I went to Memorial. The thing was that he recognized me first, it took me a bit to remember his name. We started laughing realizing that it had been already quite a long time since we had seen each other. He was there with some chubby girl, turns out she's his wife and had a little baby boy with him too.
Turns out, he had two and was about to pick the other kid up at his elementary! Fucking weird! I say it's weird because when you don't see someone in such a long time, for some reason, you still expect them to be the same person as you last encountered them. We said our goodbyes, and got the tostadas and went back home.
On my drive, I realized something, no-no, I felt something! I feel old! But see, this isn't the first time I feel like this. I'll drive by my old high school and see all the kids being released and reminds me of the time when I'd be hanging out with my friends Juan (another one) or Jaime straight out of school. Juan would be skating and I'd follow him to wherever he went and the same as well with Jaime or any other chango I hung out with at the time. I still have my close circle of friends like I did back in high school when we hung out at the wall, minus a few heads. Where are those heads now? Married with children.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing either, I am so happy for all of them, and not even just them but every other person I had spoken to or hung out with, I'm happy for them as well. I'm just surprised that most of my friends I graduated with are all married with kids while other ones are still living the life they lived a couple years ago. I on the other hand am still with my current girlfriend from then, but no kids and no ring and responsibilities up the ying-yang. Too much responsibility. Where I'm going to is that, it makes me feel old. I look at the high school kids and make me feel old as well but seeing all my friends married and with children just makes me feel old.
We have to grow up, we have to mature, but we have to remember that now as adults there are responsibilities. I look at kids in high school and it makes me feel nostalgic. I finally understand now when parents say "the good ol' days". It was a time when they were worry-free. It was a time when they had the world at their hands.
That's the way I see my teen years: the times when I had the world in my hands. I had so much fun back then! I skipped class; I drank underage; spray painted pentagrams and anarchy symbols as well as Bad Religion and Black Flag logos on trash cans, walls and other shit; being chaotic; hung out with the wrong crowd; drinking hard at parties or attending every single show on Fridays and Saturdays with my friends Bob, Alexis, Cheech and Juan (not all together) and showed up an hour or two before it even started, just because we wanted to hang out and still we were looked down upon by the local Hardcore scene being called a poser and punched the shit out of, but I still kept on going despite their dislike of me. I can absolutely clarify that those really were the most memorable days of my life. I can't remember what I did during my Algebra class or what I did during work at Little Caesars, but I'll remember everything outside of it.
Where did it all go? I can't ask my dad for a damn dime 'cause he'll bitch me out calling me spoiled while I watch close family members truly being spoiled by aunts and uncles with new cars or $1,000 trips. I can't skip class now, because I missed important material on the next quiz or I missed a new essay topic. I can't stay out late because I've got work for to do for my next class. I can't drink because I have to drive everyone home. It all just changed you know? I realized that during my first semester of college at LCC. The attitude between my fellow classmates and I didn't change, but the responsibilities have. Slowly, that attitude has drifted away.
Although it doesn't appear on me because I try to remain care-free, I worry too much to try to keep above or B average now, back then I didn't give a fuck if I got a C or D. I can't stay past two or else I won't get a good sleep for the next day. I can continue on and on and on. All that's left for me is to have a kid, to be honest. But here's where I'm getting to... it's not a bad thing. I feel grown, mature, wiser. I'll listen to music that promotes staying young till you die but honestly, I don't believe that. Not anymore. Some will even tell me not to worry about money, 'cause all I need is love and support from family and friends. If that's the case, I'll let my family and friends worry about bills and tuition at TAMIU. It's not true, it shouldn't be taken literally, but it does promote a good message.
Staying young till you die doesn't mean to attend every single show possible or keep on being a dumbass partying every single day, but to just you know, stay young. Don't let age control you, but the dark reality is that that's impossible. I don't think that statement applies to people in school or with families. I'll look at people my age surrounding me and seeing them attend fests and going out of town every month and party crazy and I'm disappointed at myself to say I slightly envy them. Majority of them don't care about school or getting fired from their jobs and I have a little jealousy towards that. My carelessness is gone, I guess.
I guess it's not so much that I lost carelessness, but because I have no excuse! I don't even have kids! I'd like to be attending shows to see my favorite bands as well, but that's impossible for me. I keep having too many responsibilities, believe it or not, with children that aren't even my own! I don't want to be emo, but I will say that nothing has been going my way when it comes to me going somewhere. I can't afford wasting my time either.
Tomorrow, Glenn Danzig, will get together to play sets of Samhain and The Misfits plus Danzig at this year's Fun Fun Fun Fest, but I can't waste my time on that. I've got too much on my mind to even think about going over there to Austin, which depresses me. Sadly to say, I wish I could be that carefree, but it's impossible and I'm not even a parent! Every one around me tends to give me the bad shoulder to when I want to do something that involves me. If only this was when I was sixteen, then maybe I could've attended, but not now, not anymore. Although it does sadden me, I don't let it get me down.
Sooner or later, I'll be able to attend those out of town shows worry free of responsibilities other than work. Times change, I'm not sixteen anymore and I shouldn't let this get to me. Time makes you who you are. I was a different person back then, but that person hasn't changed. I'm still the same jackass I was back then but now a jackass under education haha. I've just gotten a little older since then, and stuff will look more optimistic, I hope. I'm happy for every one of my friends and their new lives as parents. I'm happy for every single one of them, and lets hope that our futures are bright.
Thanks for reading!
